Frightfully fast we move forward
Never knowing where we’re going
Bravely bolding every blizzard
Through ridged rapids - we keep flowing
Whether desolate deserts or rugged rocks
Whether forests foreboding or death unfolding
Whether ominous obstructs or horrors hiding
Frightfully fast we move forward
Never knowing - never showing
Just where we’re going
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Science of Attraction (Short Story)
The Science of Attraction
I have the gravity of a super-magnet; an unparalleled charisma. It is as if I am a black hole, dragging and devouring people’s attention; like I produce an invisible aura of attraction. Humans are not the only creatures that are attracted to me; but animals too, from the smallest ant to the mightiest lion, from the tiresome sloth to the obnoxious parrot. At first I found it to be an irritating; if not down-right frustrating trait, people would often walk up to me and engage in pointless chatter, and bring me unwanted gifts. Antisocial animals that normally would attack or become reclusive when approached by people, would come up and rub their fur against my leg. Eventually I realised, like the Laws of Physics, that this bothersome trait of charismatic-attraction could be manipulated to my advantage. You often hear the phrase what a tangled web we weave, when we first practise to deceive, I soon learnt that that same phrase could apply to manipulation as well.
I could start my tale by giving you a detailed back-story, but I have decided not to, it would prove mostly irrelevant; all you need to know about me in regards to this event, has already been mentioned. You may judge me and what I did however you may wish; although in my defence, albeit a very poor one, I only wanted solitude and believed that my actions would frustrate people enough to detach themselves from me, giving me the quiet I desired. I will start from Tuesday, approximately one month ago…
I woke up like I always do, with my cat Gerald curled between my legs and my two dogs sitting beside my bed staring stupidly at me. I violently thrust my arm onto the chest of drawers, searching for my phone. As expected I had unread messages - twenty of them.
Jordan:
Whatcha doin after skool wana hang?
Charles:
Hey bud, lookin lik a bad day 2 walk 2 skool, wana lift?
The other eighteen messages were similar to the two I mentioned. At this time, like always, I was frustrated by the lack of me-time; it was only morning and my pets had already invaded my room and I have already been bombarded with text messages. I opened the top drawer of my recently polished chest of drawers and grabbed my organiser hoping that I had Science that day; the one thing that gets me through the day. Of course going with the hellish flow of the day, I did not. Armageddon would have been a more exciting, and welcome, prospect for the day.
School started with Geography; quite possibly my most hated subject, learning about maps, contours, deforestation and urbanisation was a massive waste of my time. To avoid the magnets of people attaching themselves to me, I sat on a lonesome desk at the front right hand corner of the class. The quiet of my burrow was soon infringed upon when a flurry of classmates came at me, like a supernova, with questions.
Can you please help me?
What’s the name of the tallest mountain in Australia?
Where is Lake Eyre?
Want to sit with me at lunch?
What are you doing after school?
Do you like cricket?
What is the largest state?
Do you have a girlfriend?
What’s your favourite colour?
What’s the largest continent?
In frustration I began to tear long brown strands of hair out of my head. Why couldn’t they leave me alone? What was it about me? Did I produce a magnetic field or something similar? All I wanted was to escape through a wormhole, to a different dimension; one where I had what I wanted – solitude.
Lunchtime was always a profoundly awkward event. I had walked out to see an entire game of basketball stop, as the bulk of the students in the playground stopped, stared and asked if I wanted to play. Like always I shook my head and gave a polite no thanks. I hid in the library, up the flight of stairs, at least then if people followed me they would not be allowed to talk. That didn’t stop them whispering though. I was reading The Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson, ignoring everything that was said to me. That is not to say I could completely block what they were saying, in fact I heard it all quite well; when one is pestered all the time, they become capable of both hearing what is said and disregarding it at the same time. I also paid no attention to who was around me; I was in another world - Neal Stephenson’s world.
‘What do you want for lunch?’ I heard someone whisper. I had no idea who said it, but from the pitch and tone of the voice, it was likely female.
I did not reply.
‘Okay, I will get you a chicken roll from the canteen.’ I heard her silently tip-toe away.
Not once did I stop reading, even while she was talking. It was as if I were a pulsar, zooming in and out of reality, while still being fixed in one place; one different escapist world. I had finished off another six pages when I started to hear the same light tip-toe sound that I had heard when she left.
‘Hear you go’ it was the same voice.
She put the chicken roll she had brought, just above the book. I saw her hand, small and smooth. I was certain now, without a shadow of a doubt, that she was female. I worked all this out, without even taking my eyes off my book, except to glace at her hands. Not once did I stop reading, not even to say thanks. I was about halfway down the page when it dawned on me; I had just got something for free.
It was at this time that my moral-compass turned due south or more closely to south-east. This is where my tale really begins. This is when what I did, what I should not have done, happened. After hearing one day of my life so far, you can understand my frustration by this point. My whole life was a like this, every day. I know that is not reason enough to do what I am about to tell you, but at the very least you can understand.
I looked around. Even I could tell she was pretty, she had golden yellow eyes, she was neither too fat nor too thin; I guess you could say she was just right. Her straightened black hair sat just below her neck. Reading this you may begin to think I was smitten, but I was not. She certainly was beautiful, but I still felt nothing for her; although it was obvious that she, like so many others, felt something for me.
I whispered to her ‘What’s your name?’
‘Emily’ she replied with a gentle smile.
Feinting interest I remarked ‘That’s a lovely name.’
I walked her home, explaining Newton’s three laws of motion. I showed her that bouncing a ball is an example of Newton’s third law of motion and I explained how Kepler used Newton’s laws of motion to work out the motion of planets in our Solar System and how if you dropped an elephant and a leaf from the same height they would land at the same time (assuming there is no outside forces). She did not seem to care and to be honest I did not care that she did not care. I actually felt sorry; sorry that she had no idea what I was talking about. These things are important to know.
We stopped outside her house, a small compact house with a barren garden comprising almost entirely of dirt. I embraced her and asked ‘Would it be possible for you to bake me a cake for tomorrow?’
‘I would love to’.
You may be thinking, what is so bad about me asking her to bake a cake. Well I will explain to you my intention and my thoughts at the time. I wanted to see how much she would do for me before she got sick of me. I wanted to find her breaking point. It seems illogical for someone to lead a person on, so that they could detach themselves from them; but I regarded it as an experiment, as one giant science-project. If I could find a person’s breaking point, then perhaps I could work out why I am a charismatic-magnet and find a solution to my problem – that was my reasoning. My demands soon grew exponentially.
In Science the following day we were learning about Einstein’s theory of Special Relativity. Emily sat next to me, gently put her hand over mine and showed me the cake she had made, a rich chocolate cake – my favourite. I thanked her. The teacher explained, and explained, and re-explained. No-one seemed to understand, well no-one except me. After the teacher grew tired of explaining, I was suddenly and expectedly bombarded with questions.
What’s an inertial reference frame?
Who was Einstein?
Are you and Emily dating?
I half-listened to what they said, but didn’t answer any of their questions.
‘All the girls are staring at me, kind of evilly’ Emily said sounding worried.
With a calm and reassuring voice I said ‘They’re just jealous. It’s nothing to worry about.’
At the end of the lesson I told her that if she loved me she would steal me the teacher’s textbook about String theory. She did.
I did not expect her to steal it; in fact I believed my experiment would end here. I thought it would end the moment I asked her to do something immoral. At this time I was feeling a little guilty, but not enough for me to stop what I was doing. But I felt as though I needed to reward her, so I kissed her.
‘I love you’ she whispered into my ear.
I began to sweat and shake a little; I was never good at lying ‘I love you too.’
We walked home together this time, holding hands; she did most of the talking. I mostly nodded and said yes or no or sometimes thank you.
It’s really cloudy today. I hope it doesn’t rain.
Your hand is so soft.
I’m glad you love me; I don’t know what I would do without you.
I love animals; especially cats!
I think I want to be a vet or something along those lines, I don’t know.
What about you? What do you want to be?
‘Huh? Sorry. What’d you just say?’
She repeated with a voice, calm as the breeze ‘What do you want to be…when you’re older?’
I had never been asked this question before, even though it was a taboo question. I felt like she was prying. I guess I felt violated. I had always kept to myself. ‘An astrophysicist.’
She seemed genuinely curious. She asked me what an astrophysicist was and what I would have to do to become. I was taken aback, but at the same time found it refreshing. No-one seemed to have a genuine interest in me before, it was always what’s the answer? and are you single?.
I invited Emily into my house. We walked into my room, at the far-back, right-handed (from the direction we were walking) corner of the house. My room is small, very small. My bed was up against the wall, sitting in front of it was my television, elevated up to just above the height of the bed by boxes filled with books that I had no intention of reading. When I was younger I painted my room black, and attached glow in the dark stars to the roof, which I gazed upon, just before I went to bed, with amazement. Later I learned that stars were not all white with five points, but were massive balls of intense heat, that were a different colour and size depending on their temperature. After then I have felt repulsed by the misrepresentation that my room was, of outer-space. Other then that my room was desolate, except for the small chest of drawers next to my bed, where I kept my organiser and books, and the cupboard on the other side of the rooms, which housed my clothes, neatly hung on clothes-hangers.
I put a Stargate SG1 DVD on for us to watch. My bed is not very wide, but we both managed to fit on. I set my pillows up against the wall to give my head some elevation so I could see the television. Emily rolled over onto her side and put her arm around my waist. Her body was joined to mine perfectly, her breasts were squashed against my arm, and her head was facing towards me, sitting gently on my shoulder.
Her entire body followed the outline of my own; we were joined, like two atoms join together in a covalent bond. It was strangely soothing and comforting. If she asked me if I loved her at that moment, I think I could have given an honest yes.
My cat snuck in and sat on my stomach, just below Emily’s hand. Emily moved her hand and began to pat it, resulting in the cat purring with delight.
‘You’re cat is so cute! What’s its name?’
‘Gerald. You really love animals, don’t you?’ I asked, actually wanting to know something about her.
With the same gentle voice she always used ‘Of course I do, I wouldn’t want to be a vet otherwise’. It was hard to tell if she was being sarcastic or not.
I was surprised, no shocked by what happened. I never expected to get attached. After she had left I had to convince, and re-convince myself that she was an experiment; that I was manipulating her, using her as a tool to find out why this seemingly magnet attraction between other people and me existed, and to find a solution to it. I buried my newly found feelings toward Emily into the molten layers of the Earth.
The next bit, I never really understood and perhaps never will. I understood why I asked what I did, but like before it never occurred to me that she would do it. This time however what I demanded was completely unreasonable. I was wrong; wrong to even think about asking it, no matter the odds that she would do it.
‘Would you do anything for me?’ I asked.
Emily nodded.
‘What if we were to escape this world together? It could be just you and me alone together. Would you be willing to take your life, with me, for me?’
Tears began to creep slowly down her face, one from each eye; she slowly walked up and gave me a firm hug ‘Anything for you’.
Regretfully I replied ‘Let’s do it then.’
That one moment felt as long as it takes the Earth to rotate around the Sun; like space-time decided to slow down and was only going to slow down even more. The experiment had gone further than I expected. I was past the point of no return.
We strolled towards Emily’s abode at a pace similar to that of a lame turtle. With each slow, agonising, heart-wrenching step an extra tear or two would slip from her eyes; her make-up began to run. I could tell she was having second thoughts about what she agreed to and I hoped that she would back out. Sweat erupted out of my pores. I was shaking, like an earthquake had just happened. Emily noticed, so she slipped her hand into my palm; changing it from a constant, relentless tremble to an on and off light vibration. Eventually my shaking smoothed to a halt. The colour of my shirt had started to dark because of the sweat; it was glued to my body. I was lost in a jungle of thought. Will she back out? Should I stop this? How could I stop it? What if she did kill herself? How would I get out of having to kill myself? Would that make me a murderer? If Emily would kill herself, did that mean everyone would go that far? Would I ever get away from it? I looked over at Emily. She was sweating too, more than I was. Her face was hardly recognisable once her make-up began to run and was smudged by her hands wiping away tears. She still looked very pretty regardless; a sad beauty. My grip of her hand tightened. I had taken this too far. I was playing with a life; not just any life, but a life that was not mine to play with. She was attracted to me, like everyone else was. That did not give me the right to put her through this. I was annoyed that I could take something so immoral so far, I was annoyed that I may always be a magnet, but what annoyed me most was that I was annoyed. Experiments are done objectively; becoming emotionally involved and having an opinion is not objective in the slightest, and here I was distraught about an experiment.
As we walked the paced we walked slowed and kept on slowing. Time had stopped and then started, then stopped and started again, or so it felt. A walk that would normally take twenty minutes took over an hour. The clouds in the sky were multiplying and began to progressively change, from a pure snow white to an industrial grey. A flock of birds flew behind Emily and me, following us, but never overtaking. Cats, rats, dogs, mice, hamsters, pythons, lizards, frogs and all manner of insignificant insects, crept out of their holes or rocks or cages or homes. People opened their doors as we walked past; they sat on their verandas, or stood on their welcome mats and watched. It was as if the earth itself had set the tone for evening. The weather was foreboding but uncertain. The animals were following either because of curiosity, or their sense of attraction, towards me, which I had spend my whole life dealing with. Men and women and children walked out of their houses, perhaps in fear of the uncertain weather, maybe because they saw the state of mind that Emily and I were in or for the same obnoxious, overbearing, magnetic, gravitational, seemingly charismatic attraction that had sparked irritation and ignited the event. There was not much further to walk. There was no wind and no traffic. Our movements had become stiff and forced. We arrived…
She led me through the front door, very briefly walking along a hallway where she opened a door into her garage.
‘Are you sure that you want to go through with this?’ I asked in a shaky stutter.
‘If it’s what you want, then – then I will’ She was frightened and uncertain, her words lacked conviction, but at the same time I knew what she said was true.
I will not go into much detail about what happened that afternoon. I will say that yes, she did kill herself, hung by a rope. I convinced her to go first and promised I would follow, obviously I did not. I do not know why I had not stopped myself from letting her kill herself and I think, actually, I know that I did indeed love her. My experiment proved nothing; I would still be a magnet for living beings and I had not discovered why people were attracted to me. Well I thought it was a complete failure, until I did my last despicable, morally-corrupt act; I invaded her privacy.
I went into her room, searching for clues, trying to come up with an explanation for this phenomenon which haunts me. Instead of being upset about losing someone that I cared about, instead of being upset about making someone take their own life; I was angry, angry that my experiment failed. Violently I went through her things, draw after draw, cupboard after cupboard, shelf after shelf; I searched every nook and cranny for something – anything. I created a Big Bang in that room; matter was thrown all over the galaxy that was her normally spotless room. Every so often, I would stop and punch her wall or her door (depending on which was closer), each time exponentially increasing the force in the punch. I was caught in a web, no longer thinking, just doing. After twenty odd punches, a bruised hand and a floor covered in clothes, dolls, plush toys and books, I found her diary, sitting silently under her pillow.
February 28th
I wonder what he is like. He is always so quiet!
Most of her diary, at least regarding me, had similar entries to this; also on many pages my name was scribbled.
There was one entry that caught my attention:
April 17th
He is so mysterious.
At that moment I had an epiphany. People were attracted to me because I was so mysterious, because I never said much, because I was so reserved. People are curious, they want to know, they want to unravel; like I wanted to know why people were pulled by the rope of gravity towards me, they wanted to know why I was always distancing myself. The more I tried to hide. The more I ran. The more they followed. Science is like that, the less we know, the more we want to know. Now that my experiment is over, now that I know, I am no more satisfied; I still want to know more. But, alas, it is over and I have done enough wrong. It is time to keep my promise to Emily, because I do sorely miss her.
I bid you adieu.
I have the gravity of a super-magnet; an unparalleled charisma. It is as if I am a black hole, dragging and devouring people’s attention; like I produce an invisible aura of attraction. Humans are not the only creatures that are attracted to me; but animals too, from the smallest ant to the mightiest lion, from the tiresome sloth to the obnoxious parrot. At first I found it to be an irritating; if not down-right frustrating trait, people would often walk up to me and engage in pointless chatter, and bring me unwanted gifts. Antisocial animals that normally would attack or become reclusive when approached by people, would come up and rub their fur against my leg. Eventually I realised, like the Laws of Physics, that this bothersome trait of charismatic-attraction could be manipulated to my advantage. You often hear the phrase what a tangled web we weave, when we first practise to deceive, I soon learnt that that same phrase could apply to manipulation as well.
I could start my tale by giving you a detailed back-story, but I have decided not to, it would prove mostly irrelevant; all you need to know about me in regards to this event, has already been mentioned. You may judge me and what I did however you may wish; although in my defence, albeit a very poor one, I only wanted solitude and believed that my actions would frustrate people enough to detach themselves from me, giving me the quiet I desired. I will start from Tuesday, approximately one month ago…
I woke up like I always do, with my cat Gerald curled between my legs and my two dogs sitting beside my bed staring stupidly at me. I violently thrust my arm onto the chest of drawers, searching for my phone. As expected I had unread messages - twenty of them.
Jordan:
Whatcha doin after skool wana hang?
Charles:
Hey bud, lookin lik a bad day 2 walk 2 skool, wana lift?
The other eighteen messages were similar to the two I mentioned. At this time, like always, I was frustrated by the lack of me-time; it was only morning and my pets had already invaded my room and I have already been bombarded with text messages. I opened the top drawer of my recently polished chest of drawers and grabbed my organiser hoping that I had Science that day; the one thing that gets me through the day. Of course going with the hellish flow of the day, I did not. Armageddon would have been a more exciting, and welcome, prospect for the day.
School started with Geography; quite possibly my most hated subject, learning about maps, contours, deforestation and urbanisation was a massive waste of my time. To avoid the magnets of people attaching themselves to me, I sat on a lonesome desk at the front right hand corner of the class. The quiet of my burrow was soon infringed upon when a flurry of classmates came at me, like a supernova, with questions.
Can you please help me?
What’s the name of the tallest mountain in Australia?
Where is Lake Eyre?
Want to sit with me at lunch?
What are you doing after school?
Do you like cricket?
What is the largest state?
Do you have a girlfriend?
What’s your favourite colour?
What’s the largest continent?
In frustration I began to tear long brown strands of hair out of my head. Why couldn’t they leave me alone? What was it about me? Did I produce a magnetic field or something similar? All I wanted was to escape through a wormhole, to a different dimension; one where I had what I wanted – solitude.
Lunchtime was always a profoundly awkward event. I had walked out to see an entire game of basketball stop, as the bulk of the students in the playground stopped, stared and asked if I wanted to play. Like always I shook my head and gave a polite no thanks. I hid in the library, up the flight of stairs, at least then if people followed me they would not be allowed to talk. That didn’t stop them whispering though. I was reading The Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson, ignoring everything that was said to me. That is not to say I could completely block what they were saying, in fact I heard it all quite well; when one is pestered all the time, they become capable of both hearing what is said and disregarding it at the same time. I also paid no attention to who was around me; I was in another world - Neal Stephenson’s world.
‘What do you want for lunch?’ I heard someone whisper. I had no idea who said it, but from the pitch and tone of the voice, it was likely female.
I did not reply.
‘Okay, I will get you a chicken roll from the canteen.’ I heard her silently tip-toe away.
Not once did I stop reading, even while she was talking. It was as if I were a pulsar, zooming in and out of reality, while still being fixed in one place; one different escapist world. I had finished off another six pages when I started to hear the same light tip-toe sound that I had heard when she left.
‘Hear you go’ it was the same voice.
She put the chicken roll she had brought, just above the book. I saw her hand, small and smooth. I was certain now, without a shadow of a doubt, that she was female. I worked all this out, without even taking my eyes off my book, except to glace at her hands. Not once did I stop reading, not even to say thanks. I was about halfway down the page when it dawned on me; I had just got something for free.
It was at this time that my moral-compass turned due south or more closely to south-east. This is where my tale really begins. This is when what I did, what I should not have done, happened. After hearing one day of my life so far, you can understand my frustration by this point. My whole life was a like this, every day. I know that is not reason enough to do what I am about to tell you, but at the very least you can understand.
I looked around. Even I could tell she was pretty, she had golden yellow eyes, she was neither too fat nor too thin; I guess you could say she was just right. Her straightened black hair sat just below her neck. Reading this you may begin to think I was smitten, but I was not. She certainly was beautiful, but I still felt nothing for her; although it was obvious that she, like so many others, felt something for me.
I whispered to her ‘What’s your name?’
‘Emily’ she replied with a gentle smile.
Feinting interest I remarked ‘That’s a lovely name.’
I walked her home, explaining Newton’s three laws of motion. I showed her that bouncing a ball is an example of Newton’s third law of motion and I explained how Kepler used Newton’s laws of motion to work out the motion of planets in our Solar System and how if you dropped an elephant and a leaf from the same height they would land at the same time (assuming there is no outside forces). She did not seem to care and to be honest I did not care that she did not care. I actually felt sorry; sorry that she had no idea what I was talking about. These things are important to know.
We stopped outside her house, a small compact house with a barren garden comprising almost entirely of dirt. I embraced her and asked ‘Would it be possible for you to bake me a cake for tomorrow?’
‘I would love to’.
You may be thinking, what is so bad about me asking her to bake a cake. Well I will explain to you my intention and my thoughts at the time. I wanted to see how much she would do for me before she got sick of me. I wanted to find her breaking point. It seems illogical for someone to lead a person on, so that they could detach themselves from them; but I regarded it as an experiment, as one giant science-project. If I could find a person’s breaking point, then perhaps I could work out why I am a charismatic-magnet and find a solution to my problem – that was my reasoning. My demands soon grew exponentially.
In Science the following day we were learning about Einstein’s theory of Special Relativity. Emily sat next to me, gently put her hand over mine and showed me the cake she had made, a rich chocolate cake – my favourite. I thanked her. The teacher explained, and explained, and re-explained. No-one seemed to understand, well no-one except me. After the teacher grew tired of explaining, I was suddenly and expectedly bombarded with questions.
What’s an inertial reference frame?
Who was Einstein?
Are you and Emily dating?
I half-listened to what they said, but didn’t answer any of their questions.
‘All the girls are staring at me, kind of evilly’ Emily said sounding worried.
With a calm and reassuring voice I said ‘They’re just jealous. It’s nothing to worry about.’
At the end of the lesson I told her that if she loved me she would steal me the teacher’s textbook about String theory. She did.
I did not expect her to steal it; in fact I believed my experiment would end here. I thought it would end the moment I asked her to do something immoral. At this time I was feeling a little guilty, but not enough for me to stop what I was doing. But I felt as though I needed to reward her, so I kissed her.
‘I love you’ she whispered into my ear.
I began to sweat and shake a little; I was never good at lying ‘I love you too.’
We walked home together this time, holding hands; she did most of the talking. I mostly nodded and said yes or no or sometimes thank you.
It’s really cloudy today. I hope it doesn’t rain.
Your hand is so soft.
I’m glad you love me; I don’t know what I would do without you.
I love animals; especially cats!
I think I want to be a vet or something along those lines, I don’t know.
What about you? What do you want to be?
‘Huh? Sorry. What’d you just say?’
She repeated with a voice, calm as the breeze ‘What do you want to be…when you’re older?’
I had never been asked this question before, even though it was a taboo question. I felt like she was prying. I guess I felt violated. I had always kept to myself. ‘An astrophysicist.’
She seemed genuinely curious. She asked me what an astrophysicist was and what I would have to do to become. I was taken aback, but at the same time found it refreshing. No-one seemed to have a genuine interest in me before, it was always what’s the answer? and are you single?.
I invited Emily into my house. We walked into my room, at the far-back, right-handed (from the direction we were walking) corner of the house. My room is small, very small. My bed was up against the wall, sitting in front of it was my television, elevated up to just above the height of the bed by boxes filled with books that I had no intention of reading. When I was younger I painted my room black, and attached glow in the dark stars to the roof, which I gazed upon, just before I went to bed, with amazement. Later I learned that stars were not all white with five points, but were massive balls of intense heat, that were a different colour and size depending on their temperature. After then I have felt repulsed by the misrepresentation that my room was, of outer-space. Other then that my room was desolate, except for the small chest of drawers next to my bed, where I kept my organiser and books, and the cupboard on the other side of the rooms, which housed my clothes, neatly hung on clothes-hangers.
I put a Stargate SG1 DVD on for us to watch. My bed is not very wide, but we both managed to fit on. I set my pillows up against the wall to give my head some elevation so I could see the television. Emily rolled over onto her side and put her arm around my waist. Her body was joined to mine perfectly, her breasts were squashed against my arm, and her head was facing towards me, sitting gently on my shoulder.
Her entire body followed the outline of my own; we were joined, like two atoms join together in a covalent bond. It was strangely soothing and comforting. If she asked me if I loved her at that moment, I think I could have given an honest yes.
My cat snuck in and sat on my stomach, just below Emily’s hand. Emily moved her hand and began to pat it, resulting in the cat purring with delight.
‘You’re cat is so cute! What’s its name?’
‘Gerald. You really love animals, don’t you?’ I asked, actually wanting to know something about her.
With the same gentle voice she always used ‘Of course I do, I wouldn’t want to be a vet otherwise’. It was hard to tell if she was being sarcastic or not.
I was surprised, no shocked by what happened. I never expected to get attached. After she had left I had to convince, and re-convince myself that she was an experiment; that I was manipulating her, using her as a tool to find out why this seemingly magnet attraction between other people and me existed, and to find a solution to it. I buried my newly found feelings toward Emily into the molten layers of the Earth.
The next bit, I never really understood and perhaps never will. I understood why I asked what I did, but like before it never occurred to me that she would do it. This time however what I demanded was completely unreasonable. I was wrong; wrong to even think about asking it, no matter the odds that she would do it.
‘Would you do anything for me?’ I asked.
Emily nodded.
‘What if we were to escape this world together? It could be just you and me alone together. Would you be willing to take your life, with me, for me?’
Tears began to creep slowly down her face, one from each eye; she slowly walked up and gave me a firm hug ‘Anything for you’.
Regretfully I replied ‘Let’s do it then.’
That one moment felt as long as it takes the Earth to rotate around the Sun; like space-time decided to slow down and was only going to slow down even more. The experiment had gone further than I expected. I was past the point of no return.
We strolled towards Emily’s abode at a pace similar to that of a lame turtle. With each slow, agonising, heart-wrenching step an extra tear or two would slip from her eyes; her make-up began to run. I could tell she was having second thoughts about what she agreed to and I hoped that she would back out. Sweat erupted out of my pores. I was shaking, like an earthquake had just happened. Emily noticed, so she slipped her hand into my palm; changing it from a constant, relentless tremble to an on and off light vibration. Eventually my shaking smoothed to a halt. The colour of my shirt had started to dark because of the sweat; it was glued to my body. I was lost in a jungle of thought. Will she back out? Should I stop this? How could I stop it? What if she did kill herself? How would I get out of having to kill myself? Would that make me a murderer? If Emily would kill herself, did that mean everyone would go that far? Would I ever get away from it? I looked over at Emily. She was sweating too, more than I was. Her face was hardly recognisable once her make-up began to run and was smudged by her hands wiping away tears. She still looked very pretty regardless; a sad beauty. My grip of her hand tightened. I had taken this too far. I was playing with a life; not just any life, but a life that was not mine to play with. She was attracted to me, like everyone else was. That did not give me the right to put her through this. I was annoyed that I could take something so immoral so far, I was annoyed that I may always be a magnet, but what annoyed me most was that I was annoyed. Experiments are done objectively; becoming emotionally involved and having an opinion is not objective in the slightest, and here I was distraught about an experiment.
As we walked the paced we walked slowed and kept on slowing. Time had stopped and then started, then stopped and started again, or so it felt. A walk that would normally take twenty minutes took over an hour. The clouds in the sky were multiplying and began to progressively change, from a pure snow white to an industrial grey. A flock of birds flew behind Emily and me, following us, but never overtaking. Cats, rats, dogs, mice, hamsters, pythons, lizards, frogs and all manner of insignificant insects, crept out of their holes or rocks or cages or homes. People opened their doors as we walked past; they sat on their verandas, or stood on their welcome mats and watched. It was as if the earth itself had set the tone for evening. The weather was foreboding but uncertain. The animals were following either because of curiosity, or their sense of attraction, towards me, which I had spend my whole life dealing with. Men and women and children walked out of their houses, perhaps in fear of the uncertain weather, maybe because they saw the state of mind that Emily and I were in or for the same obnoxious, overbearing, magnetic, gravitational, seemingly charismatic attraction that had sparked irritation and ignited the event. There was not much further to walk. There was no wind and no traffic. Our movements had become stiff and forced. We arrived…
She led me through the front door, very briefly walking along a hallway where she opened a door into her garage.
‘Are you sure that you want to go through with this?’ I asked in a shaky stutter.
‘If it’s what you want, then – then I will’ She was frightened and uncertain, her words lacked conviction, but at the same time I knew what she said was true.
I will not go into much detail about what happened that afternoon. I will say that yes, she did kill herself, hung by a rope. I convinced her to go first and promised I would follow, obviously I did not. I do not know why I had not stopped myself from letting her kill herself and I think, actually, I know that I did indeed love her. My experiment proved nothing; I would still be a magnet for living beings and I had not discovered why people were attracted to me. Well I thought it was a complete failure, until I did my last despicable, morally-corrupt act; I invaded her privacy.
I went into her room, searching for clues, trying to come up with an explanation for this phenomenon which haunts me. Instead of being upset about losing someone that I cared about, instead of being upset about making someone take their own life; I was angry, angry that my experiment failed. Violently I went through her things, draw after draw, cupboard after cupboard, shelf after shelf; I searched every nook and cranny for something – anything. I created a Big Bang in that room; matter was thrown all over the galaxy that was her normally spotless room. Every so often, I would stop and punch her wall or her door (depending on which was closer), each time exponentially increasing the force in the punch. I was caught in a web, no longer thinking, just doing. After twenty odd punches, a bruised hand and a floor covered in clothes, dolls, plush toys and books, I found her diary, sitting silently under her pillow.
February 28th
I wonder what he is like. He is always so quiet!
Most of her diary, at least regarding me, had similar entries to this; also on many pages my name was scribbled.
There was one entry that caught my attention:
April 17th
He is so mysterious.
At that moment I had an epiphany. People were attracted to me because I was so mysterious, because I never said much, because I was so reserved. People are curious, they want to know, they want to unravel; like I wanted to know why people were pulled by the rope of gravity towards me, they wanted to know why I was always distancing myself. The more I tried to hide. The more I ran. The more they followed. Science is like that, the less we know, the more we want to know. Now that my experiment is over, now that I know, I am no more satisfied; I still want to know more. But, alas, it is over and I have done enough wrong. It is time to keep my promise to Emily, because I do sorely miss her.
I bid you adieu.
Prison of the Mind (Poem)
Forever stuck inside this cage;
A never-ending thought filled maze.
Here the darkness grows like rage;
Drenching us in a veil of haze.
Now it seems I’m stuck inside,
The darkest regions of my mind.
In this cage there is a light;
Dim and dull, yet ever-bright,
In this light we put our faith;
These swamps of thoughts to escape.
A never-ending thought filled maze.
Here the darkness grows like rage;
Drenching us in a veil of haze.
Now it seems I’m stuck inside,
The darkest regions of my mind.
In this cage there is a light;
Dim and dull, yet ever-bright,
In this light we put our faith;
These swamps of thoughts to escape.
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